feeling rough

28Nov08

no eyes

things are not so hot with me right now. i am having a really hard time concentrating and also focusing my eyes which is making me feel very unmotivated and making my body feel weird and not at ease. i need to do some bloodwork and see my endocrinologist but i really don’t have a spare moment within the next week and a half, and after that, i won’t have to concentrate on finals and papers and the constant anxiety will subside.

this is taking it’s toll on my mental because i thought i was in remission. i want to be better than this and i hate feeling like i have no control over my own body. i hate feeling stupid for not being able to concentrate. it’s a constant mindfuckdualism, my rational telling me i have a disease that does this to my body because of an overactive gland in my body, and then my irrational telling me it’s mind over matter so i just need to stop being so slothy.

ontop of it all, i’ve been mentally replaying some recent cringeworthy scenarios where i’ve said or done some classist, heterosexist, or _____ist privileged shit. i catch myself babbling because i’m nervous and i say shit that i don’t really think about and then i mentally beat myself up over it for days. i need to slo.o.o.wthefuckdown. breathe. think. as a friend of mine says, “know when to speak and when to be silent.” i need to learn this and live this so i spend less time eating my words. as much as i need to decolonize my mind and challenge myself, i also have to remember selfcare and that this is a process.

so i’m giving up sitting in front of a screen and drawing an academic blank. instead i will read some yuri kochiyama and go to sleep.

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